pieces of memory

this is the journal page. this will be fully honest and i won't censor it either.

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session 13: magic bullet theory and when girls telephone boys

october 20 12:00 am

i have a theory that the american public school system is trying to slowly drain every student of their physical and mental energy, or at least they do inadvertently.

tommorrow (or technically today) i have to do a 2-3 hour psat, and then finish a essay and another report on greek mythology. now it is only a psat (so its practice) but its one of those things you still have to kinda take serious. but why would my english teacher make a essay AND a report due the same day as something like the psat? this is further proving my theory.

i mean the good thing is i get out of going to my first 3 periods which are kind of my least favorite of all (although none of my classes are in the "favorite" category).

i for sure also need to hold back on being so clingy with people, like i try not to but like with the whole crush thing i feel like i dont want to get to close to her in general (or really with anyone) because i have a existential fear that they might become weirded out or slowly lose interest in having a relationship with me entirely.

we also talked shortly about careers, like she might go into military but even if she doesn't she still has somewhat of an idea of a picture of her future. but i cant see (or want) to make it past 25+. i sometimes envy what she and my friends do. they are getting better increasingly (at least how i see it) while im getting filled with an existential crisis.

idek

but that should be it for this entry, enjoy yourselves.

"always the same old taste just new injury"

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session 12: hesperian death horse?

october 8 1:47 am

i haven't made a entry in over a month...and to be honest i kinda got so occupied with other shit that i just forgot about this whole thing.

school has pratically comsumed me, i wake up at five-fifteen in the morning, arrive and start classes at school at seven-twenty, leave at two-twenty, sleep for the next four hours, eat, and then go to bed for the night.

the good news: fall is coming so weather will be somewhat cooler and the first of the four school quarters are done after this week.

the bad news: im starting to feel like im mentally just short-circuting at this point.

supposedly a whole bunch of online kids are coming face-to-face next week so maybe i'll meet more people (but im doubtful of that). also, remember the girl i mentioned and said i didn't think i would catch feelings for? well i now kind of have a crush on her (fuck.) and my little femboyish body just cant take it. like seriously any girl who is slightly dominant, alt and maybe older i could fall for. and we even held hands (but not in the way that romantic, i know confusing). but i cant see a relationship happening, she is one grade above and she already has a established close relationship with another guy.

will i ever be able to not get romantic feelings for people who dont reciprocate the same?

and regardless of any romantic stuff, i keep getting intrusive and depressing thoughts, like the past weeks have felt as hard as the way i was feeling in the later summer months.

sorry if it feels hard to read this, its late so im kind of just spilling everything out without structure, but i'll be going for now, see you sometime later.

"when i left my island, i was wrong, met a phantom, memorized a song, nothing happens now that i belong"

also happy spooktober (hah)

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session 11: another midnight entry?

september 11 12:32 am

i should be asleep right now to be honest but i felt like getting in a entry before i do.

if you've read the previous entries you know im doing journalism, or not anymore, i switched out for gym. the teacher wasn't bad but the workload and honestly my expections kind of being dampered for class just fueled me to switch. and i wasn't the only one, all of the people i knew in journalism did and it happened in less than a week (half of the people doing face-to-face left the class).

gym shouldn't be hard this year (i mean it really never is) even more so because of covid. from what i learned, the assignments are easy, no physical activity and you walk the track on wednesday, not really bad, its better than trying to work on journalism and shit like that.

and at the time of writing, today technically is 9/11..so damn, rest in peace anyone who's lives were lost on today.

its kinda crazy because next year will literally mark 20 years since then, so its crazy how the world responded and how much things changed.

that is about it, tommorow (or technically today) will be my first day in gym and i feel much more relaxed considering my workload will probably be easier now.

"you’re starting to listen, coming straight back from space"

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session 10: rush of blood to the head

september 7 12:03am

i actually posted a entry earlier today but i decided that it was too much to add and so for the people who did see that entry, well you know.

looking back at that entry is something that really was a "rush of blood to the head" and the situation has been resolved.

moving on from that, next week is my birthday, turning 15, and to my its on a damn monday. so i will be spending half of my birthday used up sitting in a building to "learn". so by the time i come home, i will be tired as hell, probably wont have enough energy blow out the candle.

also, i found out that one of my favourite characters (hange/hanji zoe) died. so i can add that to the lists of disappointments this weekend.

tommorrow is also labor day (for the non-american readers, labor day is a american "holiday" that celebrates the american labor movement, (although ironic because some who will celebrate it dont even like labor unions, which are beneficial to the labor workers), this event may possibly bring in hundreds of mindless tourists so they head to the beaches...during a pandemic...probably without following any protocals during their time.

and a local high school is being shut down for the time being because that same pandemic has infected multiple students, i can only wonder who will be next and when.

but not everything has been ruined, i've met some people in school that seem alright. i met one who speciaffically stood out. she is a grade above me but yet i can find relatability and joy in her, she is someone i really like (non-romantically tho, don't get the wrong idea).

but that is about it for now, ill spend labor day in my room, as i should.

"blame it all upon, a rush of blood to the head."

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session 9: into the warp

august 20 11:31pm

it's been a while since i've updated the journal.

honestly it was a mix of not knowing what to put in it, procrasination and going back to school virtually.

some stuff in school got switched around. i got switched out of orchestra for journalism (to be honest i realised i didn't have that same motivation and will to play anymore, but i still root for orchestra and still believe it's better than band and chorus).

there hasn't been any crazy or interesting stories to tell since going back virtually. it's kinda what i thought would happen.

every virtual class is basically, the teachers trying to work computers they may not know how to operate, just really awkward moments. and just plain boring classes.

but there was this one moment in english honors when a boy (i know him btw) literally fell asleep with his camera still on in class, and nobody noticed (well except me and another friend who was also in the class).

all of my teachers seem to be decent at least, but i'll probably really find out what they are like when i actually go back face-to-face.

i went shopping for clothes sunday, i decided to go to a local goodwill and other stores. i was able to find some nice pants and shirts to start out, and next weekend i'll be going back for more.

i also got a haircut. nothing really to say or add.

but the past days have been kinda somber and lackluster. i've had mixed feelings about this entire thing and i am still trying to adjust to school. there has also been other things (i won't get into). and honestly i just want to get past august and september quickly.

also, for some weird reason. watching vsauce videos has become a nightly ritual. like the videos are relaxing to me for whatever reason. it actually helps me sleep.

and that should be about it. i'm going to try and fill more entries but i can't guarantee it. i'm also going to try and update other parts of the site this week, but i can't guarantee it.

"wonder if you know, wonder if i let you down, i watched you go, i once took you around."

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session 8: another setting sun

august 9 10:39pm

so i've now come to the end of my summer vacation. a very boring and uninteresting one that left me with very mixed feelings in the end. i can't say i'm gonna miss this one or really have any longing nostaglia over it (at least for now).

i fell asleep at 5 last night, and i'll be waking up at 5 tommorrow. it still hasn't really hit me that i'm going back to school (virtually).

and i can't take journalism. it didn't fit into my schedule unfortunately. so i'll be stuck with doing keyboard/piano as a replacement of that. i can't believe that one of the only things i was excited about this school year was took away, fml.

but anyways, i'm not too anxious really for school, i just worry about being put in class with a bunch of hot cheeto girls and boys who think misogyny is a cool comedic trait. but i digress.

there isn't really much else to say. i might have some stories for tommorrow, but until then, i'll see what happens.

"oh michael, oh jesus, i'll keep my promise when. you turn that heartbeat over again."

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session 7: deacon blues

august ??? ???

so today they released our schedules for the school year (i have long dreaded and anticipated).

i got (in order of periods) geometry honors, orchestra, journalism, english honors, spanish, biology honors and world geography.

everything on there is basically what i wanted and what i picked. and that's fine, but it's kind of depressing now seeing the rest of my friends schedules and not having any classes with any of them.

i mean i have only saw a couple of my friends schedules (which is a small sample)

i knew it was going to happen. that i wasn't going to have classes with all of my friends and i knew that the friends you have from previous years naturally fade away (at least some do).

but damn it sucks. it kinda lowers my already waning optimism for this school year. but i guess that just what is gonna happen in high school, and i'll probably make new friends either way.

and i don't think that the end of summer, and beginning of school has really hit me yet. maybe it's because we are only starting out (at least for me) online and won't physically be face-to-face at school until a couple of weeks later.

because of the pandemic cutting last school year short, i was actually a lot more (slightly than usually) happy to go back to school. so i guess not really seeing back to school ads, school year shortage, and general boredom has made me more...excited???.

but i'll probably start to feel back to school sadness the day before we go back face-to-face

and i don't know if it's just me but i really am longing for winter and christmas. i've been stuck in house and every single day has felt like a repeat. and florida's weather and climate doesn't make it better. but during christmas and winter, it cools down, and the vibe of the holidays in general is just such a feel good type of thing.

but anyway, i'll be signing off for this entry. goodbye to anybody reading out there.

"they got a name for the winners in the world, i want a name when i lose, they call alabama the crimson tide, call me deacon blues."

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session 6: everlong

august 5 10:39pm

it's been a couple of days since i've done a journal entry and honestly it's been pretty alright. i've been feeling ok this week and i feel better coming into the new school year.

my school released this 30 minute long video basically showing some of the schools clubs and after school activites, but they still have yet to release any school schedules with less than a week before we go back to school virtually.

it was...interesting

one club (i guess some rowing/crew club) had this weird motivational music playing in the background, which did not fit with the contents in the video (just really overdramatic). to be honest, none of the clubs interested me, besides the bowling team (barely).

they showed the chorus, band and orchestra classes which they probably won't even be funded enough to get through the year because most high schools (and probably mine) will never care about art and music programs but will defintely overfund football and sports programs even if they are ass.

they showed some planting club (boring), they showed a swimming club (which by seeing all the boys who were built like bodybuilders just lowered my self-esteem by 10%).

and they showed a bunch of others clubs so forgettable i forgot about them.

so through my guess, a bunch of freshman will flock to these clubs, or just tryout for the overfunded sports programs that the school probably won't shut up about.

as for anything over than my school, i've using up my time scrolling through tiktok (i think i really am becoming basic) and anticipating (but really dreading) the releasement of my school schedule.

i mean is there really anything else to do anyway??? beside what else has been said above, what is there to do. dulge into mainstream media headlines that will just divide the populus even further escipally since there is a upcoming election between the orange, racist and old donny trump, or the old, closted racist joe biden.

but other than that, that's about it. i'm gonna go waste my time with something else.

"the bar is dead, and the rocket's rain is keeping you wet, in your deathbed."

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session 5: recollections and understanding in a depressing plight

august 2 10:59pm

yeah i didn't do a entry for yesterday, because nothing remotely interesting happened. and honestly it seems more of a blur, my head hurt from the late afternoon til i fell asleep yesterday.

today felt like i was in a slump, but more of a slump that had built up probably since quarantine started.

i think quarantine has made me think of what i've been doing for the past couple of years. and it made me really think of who i was and what i was gonna do for the future. and after talking with one of my friends from school yesterday, i think a lot of people are also thinking the same thing too.

being stuck (mostly) in a room (pratically living a hermit lifestyle) for more than 3 months really makes you think about who you are.

to be honest, for the past 3 years it feels like i've been trying to juggle who i am. what social crowds i was apart of. and many others things.

i think i've realised, that im at a crossroads. the crossroads being this new school year. and it all started from this damn pandemic.

even if it's from a digital view, you see your friends, family and others true beliefs, their true opinions, and true thoughts. regardless, you see that. and you really start to see your own true feelings.

i have a chance to make a change and live how i want. i've made very weak attempts before. but this one feels geniune. and i don't think i'll get that chance again.

i don't exactly know why now i feel this (at this moment, at this day). hell, maybe it was a deity or god who is making me think like this. i honestly don't know

and that's it. if you were wondering about the tropical storm i was talking about for the past two entries. it didn't do anything. the only thing it did on my city was a overcast.

i now once again sign off for another entry. from the boy sitting next to his computer.

"spending time on my own, hold a memory and bitter recollections, switch for switch, lust for lust"

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session 4: a setting sun

july 31 2020 11:05pm

i think the title is a fitting one considering that this is the last day of the month and my summer is coming closer to it's end. nothing really new (kinda of a recurring theme in these entries) has happened, although that tropical storm is now a category 1 hurricane and is in my cities path (although i think it won't be terrible). that corona thing is still happening too (but you knew that).

i'm gonna start reading some new books tonight, starting with mary wallstonecraft's "the feminist papers" and then continue reading osamu dazai's "no longer human". and later i'll start reading fyodor dostoyevsky "notes from underground" and a couple of others. i'd like to think that those books might be ar quiz redeemable, but knowing my luck, probably not.

i also made a links page now. it doesn't have much (yet) but still a handful of sites to look at.

and now this entry has reached the point where i sign off for this one.

these entries might be boring now, but maybe when i go back to school i might have something interesting to tell (probably not).

alright, goodbye to the one and all reading this.

"who wrote that tired sea song, set on this peaceful shore, you think you've heard this one before."

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session 3: the same thing, everyday.

july 30 2020 11:46pm

it feels as if things have been the same and recurring for the past 3 months but with some small changes. i still have not done anything for math and will probably negate it until the last minute. and the pandemic is still assaulting florida, as per usual but now we have something new to wreck are state more.
hurricane. season.
due to the corona thing we kinda forgot that hurricane season was still going to happen. to be fair it isn't a hurricane (yet) but still is growing stronger and could very well possibly form into a hurricane. but this is florida, so if a deadly virus can't stop people from staying inside and not going to beach the tropical storm won't either.

either way i will spend the rest of summer watching tiktoks (im that bored and lonely) and crying at 3am to depressing indie music.

and that's it. of course come back tomorrow to hear the most boring and uninteresting journal entries.

"all the movements you're starting to make, see me crumble and fall on my face, and i know the mistakes that i made, see it all disappear without trace."

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session 2: once again i couldn't think of a title

july 29 2020 10:07pm

today just felt, very, very slow for some reason and i can't really figure out why. i finished my work for drivers ed but i didn't do any geometry work at all. i've just felt out of it today and i just spent most of the day laying in bed waiting for the sun to go down while drowning out everything with music. so this probably ain't the most interesting journal entry you will probably read. sometime this week or next week i plan to make a rant page on here so keep checking for that i guess.

and also the pandemic is still happening, at least in the states(because people just can't seem to put on a mask and stay home). but my county is recovering and slowing(while the rest of florida is going into a nosedive of covid cases)and it wasn't based off luck, i truly believe we are starting to slow because the mayor put a mask mandate on the county. and that isn't a revolutionary idea as a simple google search would have shown you that. but my head is starting to throb and i'm tired so come back tomorrow to read the next edition of "dazai's hopes and dreams crushed into a million pieces".

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session 1: no title for this one

july 28 2020 3:47pm

the first of most likely more entries. i think this will be a good place to let my emotions, opinions and daily experiences let open without any potential outside judgement from people i know. and this session will be pretty much introductory, not like an actual detailed journal entry. What you will find in this entry is what was previously stated, as a place to let my emotions, opinions and daily experiences all out without any family and/or friends bringing any judgement towards this. it will be honest to me and what i see, hear and do throughout my day. And as for an actual journal entry today? i have to do some work for my geometry class they sent me for the summer and do a test for drivers ed. and that's it.

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